The Army is ridiculous

So recently I wrote a post about the legalization of marijuana HERE . I mentioned that if the recreational use of pot gains more traction the federal government will surely be the last ones on board. Which means that the US military will be the last of the last to get on board, if they ever do. I'm not particularly worried about it personally but I just began to think about how long it takes the military to change their rules. It takes forever. As society evolves the military, namely the Army, is changing as well but at a much slower pace. This can be proven by the fact that we just barely allowed openly gay people to serve in the military. This only happened because we were pressured from the outside. If it were strictly up to the guys in uniform then I think it would have taken much longer for that to go through. We are not only behind the changes in society but just plain foolish now and then. The Army is ridiculous and many times makes absolutely no sense at all.

The Army has an over the top obsession with safety. If one Soldier in the Army accidentally drowns while on vacation, the entire force might very well find themselves getting lectured on water safety, while being issued mandatory arm floaties that will be worn whenever you find yourself within 100 yards of any type of liquid.

The Army LOVES reflective belts. They will be worn all of the time. No matter what. We are babies that cannot think for ourselves. We will play in traffic and die constantly without the safety net that our precious reflective belts provide.

On the back of some military vehicles there is a thing called a troop strap. It is a strap...... for troops...... it is retarded. Your First Sergeant(boss) will be very upset if you don't employ the strap. You will get a serious talking to if it isn't in place. Apparently it is going to save your life. Or it is going to do absolutely nothing at all besides be a sweet arm rest for this dude. I just work here.

Do not put your hands in your pockets. That is bad. No one knows why. You can however put your hands in other peoples pockets. That is not only acceptable but recommended. That's why I cut all the liners out of my pockets. It's a good time, let me tell you.

You cannot do anything while you are walking. If you need to smoke, use the phone, chew gum, eat, scratch your face, talk, breath, or blink, you need to stop walking and perform said activity. If you try and do any of these things while walking you will not only look highly unprofessional but you will probably accidentally kill yourself. Good thing we have those reflective belts though. That was close! When you stop to use your cell phone you look awesome like this!

The Army also loves to get in your business. Although it is generally not enforced, anal sex is still technically against regulations. Kind of weird that we allowed gays to openly serve in the military huh? Maybe they just do the little pocket trick to avoid any possible repercussions.

Adultery is a punishable act in the military. I know it's wrong and I definitely don't agree with people cheating on their spouses but is it really any of the Army's god damn business if you do wander off the path of monogamy? Get out of my bedroom Army! Jesus......

Army leaders like to come into Soldiers rooms to make sure they made their bed. They use a lame cover story about ensuring the Soldier is living healthy when really they just want to root through your shit. I know old school military people will start yapping about good order and discipline and blah blah blah. Whatever. Once again. Get the fuck out of my room!

In the Army you will not wear clothes that properly prepare you for the elements unless it is currently authorized. Get a cold front in September and it's freezing outside? Who cares. We are still wearing shorts and T-shirts. You will not put on additional clothes. It's not time yet......

Don't walk on the grass. It's bad.

There is a special way to stand if people have more rank then you. Fun fact, did you know that rank directly correlates to penis size? It's true. Generals have massive wangs.

People have to come check my car out because I am too retarded to check it myself. If someone doesn't inspect my ride then I will be driving a certified death trap in no time. Most likely I will also be completely shit faced as well because I missed the weekly "Don't drink and drive" pep talk......if only someone would have told me DUI was not cool.

Speaking of safety briefs, the Army even gives us special seasonal talking to's. Christmas time again? We are going to force you to come listen to the fire chief tell you not to plug 27 set of Christmas lights into one outlet. You will burn your house down if you do that. Summer time? Fun in the sun? Sure, but make sure you attend the briefing on grill safety and life jacket application.

Tell me again why you needed a map to my house? So you can come make sure I'm not dead if I don't show up to work I guess. Why does everyone think I'm dead all the time?
Late to work: "You could have been dead in a ditch!"
Didn't get the phone call to come in after hours: "We were about to come search your house to make sure you didn't kill yourself on that bike of yours!"
Went straight home after staff duty to sleep after being up all night. The company forgot what I was doing so they send someone to my house to see what's up: "We thought you got murdered or killed yourself because you weren't at work!"
Jesus Christ. I'm not dead dudes. Chill the fuck out.

The one thing the Army has going for it is people. You meet some real gremlins in the service but you also meet some totally awesome folks. Like these guys. These guys seem pretty bad ass in my opinion.

This

And this

The list can go on forever. I could make this post take up half of the internet if I kept at it. To the Army's credit though, Soldiers are idiots. If you don't force them to bring water with them to training they will show up hung over and dehydrated and then they will pass out almost immediately.

HOOOAAAHHHH!!!!!!